Saturday, March 9, 2013

Melissa said, "Depression hurts...yeah no kidding."

I have struggled for a few days on how to write this post because this is probably one of the most personal things that I will write about...my struggle with depression.  This is not something that came about just because of my surgery complications, this is something that I have dealt with since I was a child.  Depression is more than just being sad for a few days.  It's more than wanting to stay in bed after a bad break-up, it's more than just grief after the loss of a loved one.  People can get "depressed," but real depression is more than just grief, sadness, or loneliness.  It is all of that and so much more.  When I am having a bout of depression nothing makes me feel better.  I feel as though I am trying to move through water.  Everything is heavy, hard, and painful.  Nothing brings me joy, there is nothing to look forward to, there is only emptiness, darkness, and especially pain.  One of the hardest things about depression is that some people think you are not depressed because you may be smiling and not seem like anything is wrong.  What you may not realize is that it is taking all my strength to put on that smile and that as soon as I am alone, the smile will be gone.

I remember being a little girl and being teased relentlessly about my weight, or being sad and confused over moving to a different town or different state.  I remember crying inconsolably.  I know kids go through things and get sad and a little down, but I believe mine was different, I definitely think these were the beginning stages of my depression.  It was then that my pain began.  You know those Cymbalta commercials that say "Depression hurts, Cymbalta can help."  Well depression most definitely hurts, and mine has always manifested itself as pain.  I started getting my first migraine headaches as a child and I believe they were related to my depression.  When I discovered my infertility issues I also had lost of a job at that time.  I remember staying in bed and just feeling like my whole body ached. As an adult my headaches continued as well and I also suffer with neck and shoulder pain.  Since my surgery complications my legs and feet have hurt constantly to varying degrees.  I know that part of this is due to my neuropathy, but I believe that part of this is due to the depression as well.

One of the hardest things about my depression is that I also feel extremely guilty about being depressed.  As a Christian I know I should be full of joy.  The Bible teaches me that I am to learn to be content with whatever circumstances I am given.  I have so much to be grateful for and I know that things could be much worse, but yet I still feel sad.  This is so frustrating and I constantly think that I am letting people down.  I have mentioned in a previous post that I am afraid of being alone.  This is partially due to being afraid that I will fall or something else happening to me, but the other is that when I am alone I have more time to think and dwell on what has happened to me.  When I am by myself I cannot help but think about what I perceive I have lost.  I have lost time with my husband, I have lost the ability to possibly get a teaching job, I have lost independence, I have lost time I could be trying to get pregnant, and the list goes on and on.  When I think about this I slowly start to feel that blanket of hurt and sadness come over me.  Not being along helps me not think about this stuff so much and I dread how I will feel when I have to spend day after day by myself.

While it is a continuous struggle, there are some things that do help.  While in the hospital the doctors started me on the above mentioned drug, Cymbalta.  It is an antidepressant that also helps with body pain.  Over the course of my battle with depression I have been on several different drugs off and on and they have helped to varying degrees.  The Cymbalta has been one of the best ones.  When I came home from the hospital I had a few days when I did not have my Cymbalta because I needed a special code from the insurance company to get it due to its expense.  Those few days I cried almost all day.  My mother said then and there they would do whatever it took to make sure I got my meds because she did not want to have to go through seeing me like that again.  My animals help, having my cat Khole over here at Mom and Dad's with me has done my heart good.  Having my Mom here to cry to and listen to me has been a great help.  I love my husband, but there is just something about having your mom when your heart is really hurting. Writing this blog helps, journaling helps, and always prayer.

What I really want people to get from this post is to remember that just because people are smiling and look like everything is okay does not mean that it is.  Depression is real, it hurts, literally, and is very hard to explain to those that have never experienced it.  I want to be happy, I want to feel light and joyful, but something in my brain just will not let me sometimes.  If you know someone that suffers from depression please be patient and know that a kind word or a hug really goes a long way...trust me. 

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