Danny and I have started going to the gym, we have been going for a few weeks now and I am really feeling good doing it. It feels good to move my body, to feel my legs and feet working as they should. One of my favorite things to do is leg press, specifically calf raises. I like this exercise so much because it is the one thing that really shows me how far I have come. The memory of me not being able to pull my feet up and not being able to move my feet up and down is a memory that is seared in my brain. I remember so clearly what it felt like to stare at my feet and try so hard to move them and not be able to, like I had a short circuit in my brain. Now when I do my calf raises and I push down on that plate and them pull my feet back up with 80 lbs on that bad boy, I feel great, I know I have come so far.
The memory of me not being able to move my feet is very clear, and hopefully something I will never forget. I do not want to forget it because it forever reminds me of what I couldn't do then, and what I can do now. When I am feeling down about not making progress in some all I have to do is move my feet up and down and I know that what once seemed impossible is possible.
Some memories from my experience are not so clear. I was talking to my Mom about this tonight. I know I walked around the house slowly feeling the strength leave my body. I know I tried to stand and walk one day and just fell and knew something was seriously wrong. I know I spent so many days sitting in the hospital waiting room, waiting for a room to be ready so they could check me in. I know I felt agonizingly awful. I know I spent days laying in the hospital bed, dry heaving every 30 seconds or so, burning pain in my legs. I KNOW all these things happened to me, but the MEMORY of it, is very hazy, like a thick wall of smoke has enveloped it.
Mom and I talked about it and we agree that we think God lets us forget some things for our own good. God told Job in Job 11:16, "You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away." The memories that are fresh and clear with me are the ones that teach me the most. The memories that remind me to be grateful for how blessed I am, that show me how far I've come, that remind me to be humble, and show me I can accomplish what I set my mind to, are the ones that are right there, clear and present. The memories that remind me of how dark a place I was in for so long, that only bring up feelings of pain, anguish, loneliness, and fear, they are more distant, harder to bring to mind.
I think this is no coincidence, but a gift from our Father to His children. The memories that are easily recalled are not all experiences that were easy to go through, but they are ones that are needed to teach us a lesson or remind us of something. Many of those memories are of intense pain or terrible circumstances, but remembering them is necessary for our growth and because those memories teach us something, recalling them does not take us back to a place of pain, but rather a place of gratitude. I believe that some experiences God lets us forget because they were so horrible and remembering them will truly do us no good. Some memories will only serve to bring us back to a dark place. Job 21:6 says "When I remember, I am dismayed, and shuddering seizes my flesh."
This also brings to mind the fact that when I am in a dark place spiritually and I am sinful, that when I repent God no longer remembers my sinfulness. Hebrews 10:17 says "I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more." Thank God that HE does not remember our dark days as well as long as we ask Him for forgiveness.
There are days that I really hate what I call my "anesthesia brain" when I can't remember the word for something, or can't remember to do something. My memory truly is not what it used to be after all the anesthesia that I have had, however there are many days that I thank God for my poor memory, and rejoice in the memories I do have. While not all of them are pleasant memories, they are all to help me grow as a person and show me how far I have come, which is a long way dang it! 80 lbs on the calf raises..... boo yah!
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