Melissa said, "This is how it started."

So as I promised in my first post, I am going to explain how this whole big adventure got started for those of you that don"t know or did not get the whole story.  It will be a bit long, but I implore you to stay with it till the end.  This post serves as background for my subsequent posts.  Future posts will both be reflections about past events and observations about current ones.  Also, I must give a shout out to my childhood friend Brianne Kughn Hendrick for the idea for my blog name.  She has an awesome blog called "Briantics," obviously a play on her first name.  I wanted something similar and my much wittier than myself husband came up with the name for mine.

So, I wanted to lost weight.  Weight has always been a struggle for me, and my doctor seemed to think that my weight was a contributing factor in my fertility issues (topic for future posts). My husband Danny had his Gastric Bypass first and he sailed through with flying colors.  By the time I had my surgery our insurance had changed and our new insurance paid for a new procedure called the Gastric Sleeve.  My doctor, who was not the doctor that did Danny's surgery, recommended this newer surgery because it was safer.  I took this advice and March 9, 2011 I had my surgery.

I have always seemed to be a magnet for complications and this was no different.  The Gastric Sleeve cuts off the greater curvature of your stomach so your stomach is now the size of a banana. Great for weight loss, smaller stomach, less food, but the SAME amount of stomach acid being produced.  Most patients can control this acid with medication, I however, could not.  My acid reflux was so severe that I could not eat anything at all.  The burning pain in my stomach and throat was torturous.  After several weeks my doctor said the only way to remedy this problem was to revert my surgery to a Gastric Bypass.

I had the revision surgery which led to further complications.  I developed strictures, which is scar tissue where my esophagus is connected to my new stomach pouch.  The scar tissue caused all food I ate to come back up.  Because I could not eat I started getting weaker and weaker.  I was in and out of the hospital for several weeks, going in to get re hydrated and then coming back out with no solutions and still with no way to eat.  I proceeded to get weaker and weaker until the end of May when my legs literally gave out and I could no longer support my own weight, my legs and feet numb and tingling with pain constantly.

I began my "long stay" in the hospital in June.  After a couple of weeks on a regular floor I was transferred to a floor called "Easy Street." I love the irony of the name because nothing about being there was easy.  This was the physical rehab floor and I have physical therapy twice a day, every day.  All the while I was being experimented on to try to come to some conclusion as to what was causing my condition.  I had my entire body MRI'ed, two spinal taps, a muscle and nerve biopsy, and more blood drawn then I can remember.  IN the end it was concluded that the cause of my neuropathy was nutritional.  I had a PICC line (peripherally inserted central catheter) placed and began TPN (IV nutrition).

I received my TPN 24 hours a day.  It gave me all my nutrition and vitamins. I had to have pain meds every 4 hours because the pain in my legs was so intense.  I could not walk so I had to use a bedside commode.  You have not felt any kind of embarrassment until you have had to use the bathroom basically in a bucket and then have a total stranger empty it for you.  Physical therapy was terrifying and grueling.  I was fitted with special leg braces which I fondly call my "magic shoes" (thank you Forest Gump}. I remember the first time my therapist stood me up.  I rolled with my wheelchair inside a set of parallel bars.  I had one therapist behind me, one in front of me, and one on either side.  I stood up, legs and arms shaking, tears streaming down my face and took maybe 3 or 4 steps.  It was agonizing.  I had electric stimulation on my legs to try to wake up the nerves that had been so badly damaged by malnutrition.  My days consisted of therapy during the day, sleeping, and very lonely nights alone.

My mother came every single day to see me even though most of her time was either spent alone in my room while I was in therapy, or watching me sleep when I was in my room.  I cried many, many days when she left. I was put on an antidepressant.  Danny came on the weekends to see me.  It was just not feasible for him to come much during the week with him working overtime and trying to take care of our cats.  I was so lonely, I cannot remember ever being so lonely in my whole life.  My dog Harley had to go live with my parents because he was depressed with me gone.  I remember one day my Dad brought him to the hospital. My mom wheeled me outside and I saw him as my Dad pulled up, I thought he was going to jump through the window to get to me.  That was a good day.

It was the end of July when my insurance company kicked me out of the hospital.  By that time I could walk a little way with a heavy duty walker, but I was still pretty much stuck in a wheelchair.  I had to go to my parents' house because I could not be alone during the day and my house was not big enough to accommodate my wheelchair.  I also had to have help with my TPN solution since I was still getting it 24 hours a day.  I had to have someone mix the additives into the bags and help me flush and clean my lines.  I still had to use a bedside toilet except now it was my mom that had to clean it. I finally got to take a shower instead of just using washcloths in the hospital.  My parents have a big enough shower that allowed me to use a sliding board to transfer from my wheelchair to a shower chair.  Let me tell you, that first real shower after 2 months absolutely felt like heaven.

Over the next months I continued outpatient physical therapy at the hospital here.  My TPN was slowly tapered down from 24 hours, to 18, then 16, then 12, and finally it was ok'ed to be taken out.  I still see my nutrition doctor regularly and he monitors my nutrition levels closely, in fact I had one of my nutrition blood tests done today with results coming next week.  I worked very hard in therapy and gradually went from my wheelchair, to a walker, to a cane, to just my braces, and now I do some walking without my braces, though I do still wear the "magic shoes" most of the time.  In order to help me walk more normally again I had to have a procedure done called a Strayer procedure to lengthen my Achilles tendons because I had such severe foot drop that my tendons had drawn up so tight that I could not stand with my heels touching the ground.  That surgery caused me to have to walk in very heavy walking boots that kept my feet at a 45 degree angle so my tendons could heal stretched.  That procedure actually helped resolve a lot of pain for me because the constant stretching every time I put my foot on the floor was awful.

After recovering from the Strayer surgery I got up to walk to the kitchen and had a bad fall and ended up breaking my right ankle in two places which led to surgery to repair the damage. This was a huge setback for me.  I had to go back into a wheelchair for 8 weeks.  This was very emotionally hard because I had gotten to where I did not have to use it anymore.  Once I got out of the wheelchair I was back in physical therapy for a few weeks.  During that time I actually got my PICC line out as well.  This was a banner day for us, as Mom was really tired of mixing those bags and I was tired of having to be home at a certain time to hook up to my own special "go go juice." (I know, I know, sorry for the Honey Boo Boo reference).

Since then I have continued to improve.  I still walk with my magic shoes 80% of the time. I do not wear them at home but I rarely go out without them.  The one exception is the gym.  Just recently Danny and I joined a gym so I can continue to work on the things that are still hard for me.  Walking up and down stairs is still very difficult.  I still use a shower chair for bathing, I am just not ready to stand in the shower yet.  I live with a lot of fear, mostly of falling every since I broke my ankle.  I still live with my parents mostly because I am afraid to be alone.  I am terrified that something will happen to me and I do not want to be alone.  Also, in my absence Danny has really struggled to keep our house in order but he has lots of cats that have to be re homed. While I was sick and in the hospital he just could not do the things I used to do, like advertise and post ads on facebook and yahoogroups.  I was the one who always posted pics on facebook and updated out website, so kittens that were born grew up and they are still with Danny. Danny shut off our satellite service and some other things to help save money since I am not working and my disability payments are not very much.  Needless to say we have a lot of stuff to get back in order at my house before I can go home.  Most importantly I need to find homes for our cats,

I miss my husband terribly.  He comes to visit me and takes me out on dates, but it is just not the same.  My husband is my best friend and I hate being apart from him.  I do still have several doctor appointments and I have not really tried driving much so being with my parents makes it easier for my mom to take me to my appointments.  I long for the day when I am with my husband again, I miss sleeping next to him very much.

This is the shortest way I could tell this story.  I divide my life into two periods...before surgery/after surgery. When I walk around with the braces I wonder all the time if I will ever be "normal" again.  Sometimes I wonder if I even want to be normal again.  In many ways this experience has in many ways changed me for the better.  I definitely appreciate life so much more now.  I appreciate being able to just get up and go to the restroom when I need to.  I LOVE hot showers, after going 2 months without a real shower, feeling that water run down on you is like heaven.

Overall this experience has changed me irrevocably and those changes are what I will explore in future blog posts.